The thumb of rule

Dictators think people are too intelligent to be fooled by smiles and empty promises.

Freedom is a set of rules.

I am not talking about law, I am talking about social rules that regulate interaction between people. In this country parents don't educate their children when it comes to how to be a person. Nor do parents know those social rules since it has not been enforced for generations. Many people might argue that it is a good thing, and call it freedom from old aristocratic rules, but it is quite the opposite as I have observed in this society, and as you probably might be able to observe in yours.

First of all, social rules make up a kind of protocol that regulates how to communicate with strangers and in public places. For example, saying "Hi" or "Excuse me" when approaching a stranger on the street to ask what time it is or where this bus goes is part of this protocol of communication, namely how to establish a connection, but this is where the rules end over here and it all breaks down. For example, a person standing in a queue and seeing some stranger cut in in front of them will probably not do anything about it, he or she will get angry, perhaps say a few bad words to a friend about that person, but will not confront the intruder. It is not because they are not mad, but because there is no rule in this society that says that if you cut in line you will be jumped by everyone else in the line, and will probably get your ass kicked if you don't go to the back of the line. Hence the person that cuts in line will know that he or she can get away with it, and in worst case just say some lame transparent thing such as I am with him pointing at total stranger and that stranger will not get involved, because he don't want to get involved in a conflict that don't affect him, because it is not a conflict about right and wrong but about one stranger vs another stranger, and it does't concern him.

But the real consequence of not having a rule of

jumping on people that cut in line

is that person standing in line and seeing another just cut in front will not know how to act, he or she will be reluctant to confront that person since he or she will have no confidence that everyone else in line will back him or her up. With no clear rules among people of what is right and wrong people will rather start questioning if confronting is the right thing to do rather then acting on what is right with confidence.

Hence clear social rules are not only needed in order for people to know what is right and what is wrong, but also gives other people freedom to act when they see wrong doings knowing that masses will back them up even if it is a small guy confronting a big guys, and also as we shall see later reduces friction in the society.

When it comes to confronting wrong doing, backing up of other people around you is only needed in a very few cases, I lived in a country with strong social rules, that people live by naturally, in that society, when someone acts wrongly and you confront that person, they will most often back of and admit that they are wrong. But for the most part those rules are obeyed by everyone resulting in absolute certainty about how to interact with other people. And only rare cases does it result in a real conflict, but even there the conflict is eventually resolved resulting in greater understanding.

Lets take another example, rule that says

Smart people are smart enough not to act as if they are smartest in the room.

or

Dont't teach the teacher.

Lack of this rule make people act like total asses, I have a friend that explained for 15 minutes how a thing works, and I kid you not, to the teacher that was teaching him that thing one hour earlier. He did't do it because he thought that teacher did't know it, but to appear smart and to show that he knows the subject, and the teacher not being brought up in a society where those rules exist sat and listen until my friend finished.

That might sound harmless, but the consequence is that some of my friends constantly try to outsmart each other, and when they are in the same room it is so transparent, and creates such a bad atmosphere in the room, where neither is interested in the truth but instead what matters is to appear smarter then anyone else, in the process putting other people down, creating friction, and never admitting being wrong.

This also hinders healthy debates since they get impossible, where no one can admit being wrong, no one admits not to know something because it might make you look less smart and so on, hence the whole friendly debate breaks down.

Those two above are just two examples to illustrate how lack of rules just break down the communication and hinders people from freely interacting with each other. But lack of the following rule in a society really does create problems, namely:

Your word is most important thing you have.

or

Always keep your word.

or

In general don't talk crap.

No enforcement of the rule that you will be directly responsible for what you are saying is responsible for majority of the problems.

For example, people here often call themselves all kinds of things, and then say they were joking and move on. This results in that if you do it to yourself other people can do it to you too, hence the situation is widespread where people call each other damn idiot and so on. Which no one enjoys for that matter, but since it is made as a joke, no one knows how to react, confronting a friend for making a joke about you seems to extreme, so I can see people just turning in rage for being called and idiot but bottle it up and put on a fake smile because that other person "did't mean it" but eventually those joke will start sounding less and less like a joke and you end up in a situation where you are seriously being called an idiot when you do something wrong, or combined with above, called stupid moron when there is something they know that you don't.

This result in people getting uncertain of themselves they are afraid to admit things to each other fearing to be called idiots, stupid or something else, as a joke in the beginning of course. People are afraid to have a serious conversation on the subjects they are uncertain about because they might be ridiculed by others.

Being able to invalidate your statements or promises by just saying "I'm kidding", "I did't mean that", or "I take it back" creates another set of problems, people not trusting each other. For example people never bet here, because whenever there is a bet going on the loosing side always claims to have been joking about betting and no money ever exchange hands. Never paying for a lost bet or getting paid for a bet won is perhaps not the worst consequence of having worthless words as you might have guessed.

One quote comes to mind that I herd a long time ago:

English gentlemen are real men of their word, they can give it, and take it back as they please.

Hence all credibility is taken away from people, in this society (I am not from England) people have no credibility, if someone is saying something that rest did't know previously, the first reaction is not "Interesting I did't know that" but instead "Who said it", people here are never trusted, but everything you say must be refereed to some other authority. In societies where you are responsible for what you are saying, people evaluate your trustworthiness based on previous experience, and you you have a good record people trust you, and if you don't you are known to be untrustworthy and are never trusted with anything.

Over here on the other hand that trust does not exist as a consequence of worthless words, how do you then decide if someone asks you if he or she can borrow money and pay back at a certain time? Because them paying back in time is not common, not only that, the time limit doesn't exist, I mentioned time because I force time limits, but when my friends borrow things from each other they don't even mention time, because they know it is irrelevant since borrower will not keep his or her word if they don't feel like it, and it happens to me, when I force limits not a single time have I been payed back within promised time limits, the only thing that happens is that I start bitching after given period of time forcing them to pay.

Instead people here never lend anything to their friends unless it is something they can live without. For example if a someone is in real trouble and asks for a considerable amount of money, it is quite possible that his or her friends will deny lending money, because they don't trust that person with a considerable amount , not because that person is know to borrow and not pay back, but because there are no rules to evaluate if that person is trustworthy, such as to see if that person keeps his or her words because no one here keeps their word.

Combined with lack of the rule:

Don't ask for help unless it is the last way out.

The result is that people always ask everyone else for all kind of help, not because they really need it but because it will make their life easier, even though it makes life harder for the person helping them, putting it plainly people are exploiting each other because there is no rule in the society saying not to ask for help unless you need it.

In society where there are social rules if a friend asks you for help you know that he or she has exhausted all possibilities and you are the last way out, also since it is your friend you know that he or she will keep what they promise, for example borrowing considerable amounts of money but paying back next month, or in three months or whatever, and it is natural in such society to give help to friends that ask for it if you can.

It came naturally for me to always say yes when people asked for help, but it did't take long before I realized that I am being exploited, I have a car, many of my friends don't, it started out by asking me to drive them because they had some heavy things to move, which is ok, I did help, but then they ask for help because they had a big bag, and eventually it got absurd, I was actually asked if I could drive on a perfectly fine sunny day to a place which take about 10 minutes to go to with bus, and wait in the car while he takes apart a computer and bring home a hard drive to rescue and then drive him back so that he could make some money, and I actually agreed to this, acting as his private driver, and I did't even got a thanks. Same thing with money, I ended up not only getting my money back very late, but eventually getting back less then was borrowed.

And that happened not because my friends were evil, it is happening everywhere I can see, since there are no rules, when I agree to help them they think "what a nice guy" next time they think "he is nice guy he always helps" and eventually "he never says no so I ask him first".

This also make people that are not brought up with social rules act like asses toward each other, because when someone asks them for help, they don't know if that is the last way out for the person asking for help, or if that person just want to make life easy for him or her self by asking you for help instead, or if they say it is critical and last way out, you can still not be certain because their word is not worth anything. Because of that I have seen people refusing to help their friends, when if I would be denied that help I would not call myself his or her friend anymore, but here it is totally normal behavior since no one can be certain in other people.

Another common thing is that people are sometimes afraid to say no, since there are no rules they don't know if the person is exploiting them or really need help, so what they do, instead of finding out and confronting the suspicion of exploitation, they unwillingly agree to help, but will treat you as a bad person or non person and bitch about it during the whole period they are helping you.

But the consequence is that is that unless you are very thick person and don't care about bitching you will still be able to exploit that person, but if you are a normal person and really is in trouble hence already feeling down, you will have to withstand all that bitching as well, just making you feel even worse, regretting asking for help.

All this amounts to a society where you don't have friend that are like family, you only have people you are equated with, not only that but you don't have a family like a family. In places with social rules, you family teaches you those rules, your parents teach you not to exploit other, to keep your word, to help people in need, e.t.c. hence you can trust your family, family member never needs borrow money, family member only asks for money, because you know they share the same values, they would not have asked for it if it wasn't really urgent, and you know that they will pay you back as as soon as they can. If a family member asks you to get in a fight with him you know that the truth is on your side, because you share same values e.t.c.

Those values are unknown in this society, people don't understand why a family member unconditionally helps another family member without even asking what happened, but it is because they share the same values, and if some family member exploited that trust and started up a fight to exploit another family members help, well he broke the rules, and will be punished, because there is a known rule system with clear rules, and next time he will not receive that help so unconditionally, hence there is an intreats for people to uphold those rules and be honorable.

In this society families are dysfunctional, children are kicked out from parents houses as soon as they turn 18, because parents did't teach their children any rules, and therefore essentially don't trust that their own children will not exploit them and spend their money hence parents get rid of children, children in turn learned no family values or any other rules for that matter, hence parents can not hope to receive any help from their children. Brothers and sisters are no more close to each other then they are to their "friends", in short resulting in a "every man for him self" society.

Expression "he (friend) is like a family to me" is not understood, it is taken as something some people say to be cool, because no one can understand how a friend can be like a family, that possibility simply does not exist, a friend can never be like family. The reason no one here understand it is because there is no criteria by which to compare what a family means and how close to that a friend comes. As I said earlier there is no deeper understanding of a family here then biological bounds, no understanding of shared values and rules and complete trust, has never been experienced in this society.

I could go on and on, rule after rule, consequence after consequence, but the fact remains, a society without rules is simply is a dysfunctional society and not a free one, where people are afraid to speak their mind because they might be ridiculed and there is no way to know if they will be or not because there are no rules that regulate that, where they constantly compete with each other, where people don't do the right thing, where people don't trust each other, don't have real family or friends like family, where people don't help each other, e.t.c e.t.c

After I discovered this, I started experimenting and observing how people in this society manage to function at all.

The first thing I noticed is that they are uncertain, uncomfortable, and ashamed about everything. Hence when a person denies help to another person they don't say just no, or I don't trust you, or confront accusing the other person for trying to exploit or anything like that, because there are no rules to base those accusations on. Instead people get uncomfortable and make up a lie, like I need to go somewhere, or I have no money, hence person asking for help, knowing that the other person will do everything to avoid helping, tries to trick by first asking "what are your doing on friday" and then asks for something that day e.t.c. so that another person can't make up a lame excuse, and will be ashamed of feel uncomfortable to deny.

Since there are no rules, there is a lot of stupid things going on, but that they are afraid and ashamed to confront since there are no rules, hence they bottle it up and badmouthing each other behind each others back.

Why are they ashamed to confront when there is wrong doing you ask? Well partially because there are no rules and they don't know if they are wrong to get sad when someone calls them and idiot as a joke or if it is ok because everyone else does it. But also when there is a general rule that you don't call people idiots not even as a joke, when someone does it you can say, hey, rules, did't your parents teach you anything, that is you are appealing to a higher authority, rules, rules say this or that and you are just a messenger, but where there are no rules you are the one responsible, and you are the authority that need to enforce it, hence unless you are a big guy that can threaten others to obey your rules you pretty much can't do anything.

But the problem lies not in that people feel they ought to change the situation but they can't, no people live in shame and fear not knowing why, people are ashamed to ask a stranger what time it is or when the store opens, and they don't know why. They feel uncomfortable and ashamed saying something straight to someones face, and they don't know why, because there is no rule saying that it is ok, or that the other is acting wrongly.

I have a friend that is an extreme case of this, he never asks me something directly. For example if he wants to drive and buy pizza, he don't ask me directly, he starts talking about pizza, saying that it is good over there. And just out of curiosity I say "O yes it is." so in his world I agreed to drive and buy pizza, where in reality he never asked if I could drive him there or even if I want to eat. So when he gets up to go and I sit he gets confused, so I say "what" he assumes that I did't understand that he meant "lets go by pizza", but once again instead he claims that I showed interest in pizza, and I say "no I did't I just agreed that pizza at place X is somewhat better then average" and so on just confront him, and you get surprised how long I can keep that up sometimes in order to get him so just ask me a straight question. I basically have to "not to understand" everything until he finally have no more ways to avoid direct question.

Hence a society without rules is not a free society, but a society ruled by deception, dishonesty, uncertainty, fear, shame and general discomfort. Ones again by rules I don't mean law, because over here they are very good at following the law, but the problem is that there are no rules to follow.

Well then you ask, those people have lived like that for a long time, and they don't know any better, they have no unwritten rules to follow and they obviously manage, why then is it bad (except for few obvious examples mentioned above), why don't make it like that everywhere, certainly make the job of a parent easier, no need to teach children how to behave.

As an answer I can say that this country has among the highest suicide rate in the world, and I can not be totally unrelated to the fact that majority of population feel, insecure, afraid, and ashamed/uncomfortable to interact with other people and especially strangers.

Also in a rules less society there is no way to teach others how to behave and most important no mechanism to enforce those rules since no one lives by them. Hence immigrants that come from very different cultures with very different behavior towards other people never understand what rules govern this place, but quickly realize that they can basically act as they want without consequence as long as it is within the law because there are no rules that govern how to behave in the society. And then we have politician scratching their heads wondering why immigrants are not getting assimilated into society but instead form their own small Iraq, Iran, Somalia, you name it, and live by their own rule, but because there are no rules to be assimilated into.

Which in turn creates hostility and mistrust towards immigrants because they are different and live by their own rules. Immigrants don't understand locals because they act very strange and yes in many way immoral and it all just creates friction in society and hostility.

Hence if there is something to take away from this, social rules are necessary, and few of the basic ones are:

Your word is your most precious possession, don't give it away lightly, and you can't take it back.

Don't ask other for help unless it is your last option.

Don't put down other people or call them names, even as a joke.

Enforce the rules.

And if your society is remotely similar to this one, you already know how strange it will become without simple rules governing communication and interaction between people.

And don't be afraid to enforce the rules, to take it to the extreme, cornering a person until that person gives a concrete answer or asks a direct question instead, it will be weird for that person at first, but if that person will get a tendency to ask direct questions that person will automatically realize that he or she are trying to exploit you for example, instead of asking in some clever way thinking that no one noticed because he or she did't ask you directly.

Do point out if someone is lying or not following up on his or her word.

Do get involved when people argue if you see that one person is clearly wrong.

Don't be ashamed, afraid, uncomfortable to do the right thing, and point our to people why you did it, because no matter how obvious it might be, some people are not even familiar with concept of doing the right thing, for them keeping what they promised is a strange concept because it does not benefit them.

Simply do the right thing, and keep in mind from previous post, people that have not practiced something for a long time, especially if they never done it and are not familiar with the concept will have a hard time doing the right thing even if they know it is right. Instead it is easier for them not to do something for a while. Start by for example not letting other make stupid jokes about you, it is quite easy and work from there.